Who is my soulmate?

First, we must be cautious about adopting terms that are not found in the Bible and assigning them spiritual significance. The term "soulmate" does not appear anywhere in Scripture; it is neither directly mentioned nor implied. Yet, some Christians subscribe to a “Christianised” version of this concept.

At its core, the idea of a "soulmate" suggests that each person has a preordained partner—someone they are destined to fall in love with and marry. These individuals are believed to share so much compatibility that it becomes evident they were meant to be together. Some believe this union is divinely ordained, that God has destined these two people to meet and be joined in matrimony. From a more biblical perspective, some argue that God literally took a rib from each man to fashion a specific woman to be his life partner and helper in fulfilling God’s destiny for their lives (Genesis 2:21-24). According to this view, there is a specific man for each woman and vice versa.

The Implications of the Soulmate Mindset

The implications of this concept are significant and can be problematic.

A. Obsession with Finding "The One"

First, this mindset suggests that each person must prayerfully seek their “soulmate,” or more specifically, God’s will for their life in marriage—believing that this "will" is embodied in a particular individual. This often leads people to embark on endless prayer retreats to find “the One.” Even when convinced of their compatibility with a potential partner, they may remain in doubt, fearing they might miss out on "God’s will."

For instance, imagine a young woman named Sarah who has been told repeatedly that God has a specific husband prepared for her. She spends years praying and fasting, waiting for a sign or vision to reveal this man. Even when she meets a godly man named Kingsley, with whom she shares many values and aspirations, she hesitates to commit because she hasn’t received a divine revelation. Sarah’s fear of missing "the One" prevents her from moving forward in a relationship that could glorify God.

This kind of behaviour echoes the warning Jesus gave in Matthew 12:39, “A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign.” While it is important to seek God’s guidance, an obsession with visions, audible instructions, or supernatural signs can lead to paralysis and confusion. Instead, we are called to trust God’s Word and His principles, rather than constantly seeking extraordinary signs.

B. The Potential for Manipulation

Second, this soulmate mindset can lead to manipulation, particularly when one person is convinced that God has revealed their soulmate to them. In such situations, someone might approach a potential partner and assert that God has told them they are meant to be together. While the decision to accept or reject this claim ultimately rests with the other person, the introduction of supposed divine revelation can exert undue influence on their thoughts and decisions.

Consider the case of John, a respected leader in his church. He believes that God has shown him in a vision that Mary, a fellow church member, is supposed to be his wife. John approaches Mary and shares this revelation, expecting her to agree. Mary, however, does not feel the same way and is not convinced. But because John holds a position of authority, Mary feels pressured and confused, wondering if she is missing God's will by not reciprocating John's feelings.

This scenario highlights the danger of using supposed divine revelations to influence others in matters of personal choice, especially in the context of marriage. The Bible cautions against manipulating others with claims of spiritual authority. In 2 Corinthians 4:2, Paul writes, “We have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God.”

C. Unrealistic Expectations Based on Others' Experiences

A third issue with the soulmate concept arises when people construct their expectations based on mind-boggling stories told by others. For example, some individuals might hear a testimony from someone who claims that God showed them their future spouse in a vision, and then expect God to do the same for them. This can lead to disappointment and confusion when their own experience does not match the dramatic stories they’ve heard.

Let’s take Jane as an example. Jane has heard numerous testimonies of people who said God revealed their spouse to them in a dream or vision. She becomes fixated on the idea that she too must receive a similar revelation. However, years go by without any such experience, and Jane starts to question whether God cares about her future. This fixation prevents her from seeing the good, godly men around her who could be potential partners.

It’s crucial to understand that while God can and does use visions and dreams at times, these are the exceptions, not the rule. The majority of biblical figures did not receive visions about whom to marry, and we should not expect such experiences as normative. In fact, we see that Jesus emphasised the importance of faith over seeking signs when He said in John 20:29, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

Soulmates in the Bible? What Scripture Really Teaches

When we return to Scripture, we find no evidence to support the concept of soulmates. Divine intervention in choosing or seeking a life partner is rarely seen in the Bible. One example often misinterpreted is the story of Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24). Abraham instructed his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac from among his own people, avoiding marriages with the Canaanites. The servant prayed for God to reveal a suitable match, asking for specific signs of character and hospitality, which Rebekah displayed. This story highlights the importance of compatibility and shared values rather than supernatural matchmaking.

Other instances of divine intervention in marital choices, such as Hosea being commanded to marry a prostitute (Hosea 1:2) or Joseph receiving a vision concerning his treatment of Mary (Matthew 1:20-24), serve specific prophetic purposes and are not prescriptive for general marital decisions.

In the majority of biblical narratives, we do not see God prescribing specific marital partners, nor do we find any doctrinal teaching from the New Testament concerning the detailed process of selecting a spouse. What we do have are principles that guide us in making wise decisions. For example, we are instructed not to be "unequally yoked with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14), and the idea that "two cannot walk together unless they agree" (Amos 3:3) emphasises the importance of shared values and beliefs.

God's Will in Marriage: It’s About Principles, Not Specifics

Now, let's address the concept of God's will in marriage, which also applies to every other area of life. God's will is not embodied in a particular individual, vocation, or specific choice of clothing or residence. Instead, God's will is that He is glorified in all that we do. He desires that our desires, interests, and aspirations align with His purpose, bringing honour and praise to His name. The Apostle Paul expresses this idea in 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 by stating that whether one is called as a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, a servant or free, the focus should not be on changing one's external circumstances but on glorifying God in whatever situation one is in. This principle applies to marriage as well.

In marriage, God is not going to tell you whether to marry Sandra or Peace - at least we do not see that spelt out as a credible expectation according to the Scriptures. Instead, His Word provides guidelines to help you discern who might be a suitable partner. First, you should not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). Second, you should marry someone with whom you can walk together in agreement—meaning compatibility in values, beliefs, and life goals (Amos 3:3). These guidelines help you determine if you should even consider marrying someone in the first place.

The True Definition of a Soulmate: The Person You Marry

Now, to the crux of the matter: For a Christian, your soulmate is the person you marry. Let me state that again—you do not marry your soulmate; you make the person you marry your soulmate. Scripture does not provide a detailed list of instructions for what to do before marriage, but it offers abundant guidance on how to conduct yourself within marriage. Husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33). God recognises and honours marriage, not courtship or engagement. Therefore, your mindset should be that whoever you marry (after carefully screening them according to the principles of God’s Word, of course), you are called to love them unconditionally, serve them wholeheartedly, and keep your marriage pure, holy, and pleasing to God. Marriage is a calling to "put in the work", and by so doing, you become a soulmate to your chosen partner.

In conclusion, the concept of a soulmate as a preordained individual is not supported by Scripture. Instead, focus on making the person you marry your soulmate by following God’s principles and honouring Him in your marriage. This approach brings true fulfilment and aligns with God's will for your life.